australian open with anika

A: "Mama can I have tummus?"
Me: "Are you hungry? Do you mean hummus?"
A rolls eyes and says emphatically, " NO! Tummus with the sky."
Me: "Ya sure baby the sky ah- huh", shift attention to Nadal and Federer
A exasperated: " No! I want to tummus with a hammer and a ball in the sky!"
Me after a few moments of complete cluelessness: "Oh!! Tennis? You want to play TENNIS with a hammer(raquet) and a ball like those boys on TV?
A relieved: "Yes mama, now you understand me.."
Me wondering why sky? Ah, the hard court in Melbourne is blue. Got to love those firing neurons.

to montessori or not to?

I'm confused, sad and tired of my buzzing head.

Its been nearly 3 weeks since Anika started going to a montessori program close to home. Its an everyday program for four hours per day. So far she has stayed for the whole time only a couple days, four hours is too long. I've had her in school for 2 hours per day until she gets used to it...

I'm getting mixed signals, some days she comes home singing songs, role playing with her imaginary classmates in the back seat, "Close your eyes Jocelyn until I call your name." She'll say random words like "North America' or "don't forget Antarctica" out of the blue at the grocery store. But every morning she seems SO sad to leave us, she cries every time. They say she stops crying sooner now, within a few minutes. This whole week I have taken to rewarding her with fruit snacks, pretty much like gummie bears after she finishes school. This started because she just refused to get ready for school on Tuesday after a 3 day weekend.

Why is she SO sad? I know its separation anxiety but how do I know its only that? How do I know if this is the right thing for her? Montessori is all about individual child development, independence and exploration. She seems to love the work, she asks me to set up practical life 'work' for her at home. She cleans up after herself, which she never did before and helps me and says, "what a good helper I am".

BUT, is she happy? Doesn't she need more freedom, more paints, more laughing, more talking with her friends, more hugs? Instead of "we don't interrupt our friends when they are working" or "we put our hand up when we have a question." She's a good, sweet child, who has always been self sufficient and caring does she really need to be told the proper way to be 'in the community' at this age? Is the Montessori method nurturing enough for a child this young? Especially Anika who is so attached and still sleeps with me?

Is there something cold about the method or is there something wrong with me? I want her to love her teacher so she doesn't feel 'bereft' when she is away from me but I don't know if that's in keeping with the montessori goal of making a child 'independent'. Am I being foolish by expecting a teacher to be a surrogate mother?

I just want her to be happy.

We've told ourselves we'll give it a month..but if she does adjust will she be adjusting happily or will her spirit be broken?

If any of you have read thus far, thanks for your patience. If you have any words of advice please leave them for this stressed out mama.

a new era

Her lunch box



her back pack



her uniform



my loneliness..poor tiger mama has to bear the brunt of my affection during school



Raising children is the most heart wrenching thing in the world...my baby is growing up too quickly..

foot girl

I have avoided American football for the past 8 years, turning away from any tv that shows it, even though its such an integral part of life here, like cricket is in India. But football makes no sense to me and its very rough, watching grown men pinning each other down in heaps makes me uncomfortable. I grew up calling 'soccer' football, so its always been just a little bit weird for me to make the transition..the whole petrol pump, dickey thing, ya know it.

But you can't live in TX and be unexposed to football for long...so last night I took Anika for a high school football game to watch Andrea's son Dominic play in the band.





I was amazed to see the pretty sizable stadium and the huge number of people there were for a 'high school' game. Football is obviously very well funded in this state. Anika looked around wide eyed at the bright lights and the crowds and slowly took it all in. She clapped and screamed with the crowd whenever she had a chance. The band played and she jumped to the beat in my lap and tried to spot Domi's back from the other 200 kids there. Before half time one of the kids was injured and had to be carried out on a stretcher...

It was a great experience except for the hurt child..

We decided to leave early to avoid the crowds. I had her in the carrier on the way to the car. Here's our conversation:

A: Mama Anika baby had fun in stadium
Me: That's great beta, i'm glad we came then
A: Ya. But sumdy(somebody) got hurt
M: Yes, he'll be fine though, don't worry
A: Will they take him to doctor?
M: Yes
A: Will his mama papa be there?
M: Yes they will, they'll take good care of him
A: Give him kichoos and warmee warmee milk
M: Yes..are you tired beta?
A: No but when I grow big and strong I play foot girl too

Raising the bar

I wrote this the morning after the election, blogger wouldn't load sooner to publish..



Last night I had tears streaming down my face when I saw the spontaneous celebration of people of every color all over the country and the world when Obama was elected President. I was very very sceptical prior to the big day, I envisioned recounts and malfunctioning machines..but last night went way beyond my wildest dreams...it was incredible. I now believe that anything is possible in this country. I moved here when GWB came into power, right before 9/11. The last 8 years have been so tough in so many ways..I really wanted a change for this country. And man what an inspiring change its been.

I wept when McCain spoke..I was floored, he spoke from the heart and so graciously congratulated his opponent..For me coming from India seeing this maturity and humility in politics was awe aspiring. Speaking as 'himself', he made a real connection with me for the first time.

Then of course when Obama spoke...I wept again. Its obvious that he is a brilliant man who knows how to give a moving speech...but again it was his humility and manner that really got me. He didn't come out there and gloat, he didn't talk about himself..he spoke about the movement, he spoke about the road ahead, he spoke about the disappointment of the 48 million who didn't vote for him, it was like he carried their burden and wanted to win them over.

The part of his speech that really resonated with me was:

'And to all those who have wondered if Americas beacon still burns as bright - tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from our the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity, and unyielding hope.'

Last night I was proud to call America my home. There maybe many things wrong with America but the manner in which the people of this country can look at themselves and make a change for the better is amazing to me. There are so many injustices in India, that are left at the status quo because it is not in the interest of people in power to solve them. India still has very feudal, intolerant ways that are not truly examined with the aim of finding an enduring and fair solution. Even if laws are passed they are easily flouted and ignored...I could go on and on...

Last night showed what a democracy can be like when it really works.

Obama comes to power at a very difficult time with the economy in shambles, two ongoing wars, millions of unemployed people with talk of further massive lay offs looming..Times will be tough but I have faith. I was so cynical and jaded with GW that I had switched off but Obama has given me hope again that things can be different and fair. Its not about his color its about his ideals and his intelligence, he has truly raised the bar of presidency.

Change please...

I can't stand the waiting..please voters and universe let it happen.

fall yummies

Anika and Papa made a delicious treat I saw here . Thank you fabulous internet mama.



It is seriously good and very easy..they put it together while I made dinner. DH loves it so much he's been taking lunch to work everyday just to pack it as dessert. On the first day when it was done I said this is going to be a major set back for my fitness plans so he very supportively said why not give some away to friends then?

He came back home the first day and tried to ask casually, "So did you give any pumpkin bread away yet?"

Its still in the fridge. I try not to eat more than one piece a day;)

how they've grown

This is Anika and her bff Nikhil, this is how they looked a year ago.

First they were asked to sit next to each other



then I said put your arms around each other



Nikhil's mom says, put your arm around her, Anika first pushes him away



and then looks down coyly!



Walking off into the sunset

confession

I ran for 22 consecutive days. I felt good about myself every single time. I never thought, I wish I hadn't done that.

I haven't been for my run for the past five days...there were valid reasons for three of those five days, but the other two I was lazy. And each day I slipped up it became easier to not go. This just goes to show...I cannot miss a SINGLE day if I want to make exercise a habit. Failure is a part of the process of change. Instead of dwelling too much on the failure I have decided I'm going to reset my resolve. This guy always helps.

I will be going tomorrow morning for sure and every other day after that unless I am ill. I need to just get back on the band wagon as quick as I can so whatever little conditioning I have created is not lost.

The reason I am blogging about this is accountability. Not that any of my readers is going to cross examine me, but just putting it out here will help.

This is about the REST of my life, like brushing my teeth...remember?

about the house

The animal cookie cutter set I bought for $8.99 was the best investment I ever made. Anika ate a seal and a bird full of cheese today=)







Yes he's wearing a diaper






That's Anika



And that's Papa(her idea). This is a bag I got a bottle of wine in from my sweet friend Leahann



Milk carton bus with badly constructed wheels

dandia in the park

First came the dolling up, our favorite part





Then came the pooja, there she is in the front row



Party! Dandia style=)



This impromptu dandia party took place in our park last night. We potlucked, arranged some music and tried not to knock each other's heads off! Fun all around=)

birthday

Dax came on the 29th of September. Stephana went into labor at 2:00 pm and her husband called us at 2:30. Andrea got there at 3:30 and I got there 15 minutes later with a knot in my stomach anticipating intense birthing. As I walked in I saw Andrea and Kelly speaking in hushed tones. Andrea said, she just had the baby. WHAT? WTF? She had the baby at 3:20 so even Andrea missed it! Can you believe that? There were two video cameras in the house, plus mine on the way, tripods, tapes , DSLRs, the works and not even one was turned on for the actual birth...Dax maxed all expectations..out in an hour! Wow.

I did shoot a little of the 'after' stuff. Stephana was laying there like a Goddess with the baby on her breast. She looked so beautiful and natural. I was quite literally in awe of her power and beauty. What struck me was her absolute attention on her new born with no regard to her own condition. Its amazing how every child gives birth to a mother.


I don't think I have the strength of spirit or body confidence it takes to have a child at home...I need the backup of a hospital and pain medication just incase. Having said that, midwives are very well equipped to handle birth emergencies and always know when to take a mother to a hospital if complications that require intervention arise...yet to me it is a leap of faith in SELF. Could I do it without flipping out? There was a point in Anika's birth where I definitely felt I couldn't do it any more, I wanted deliverance from 'suffering' so to speak. I guess its like everything I do, I need a back door to escape..it takes a different sort of strength to say, I will do this no matter what.

Being there made me think back to my birth experience. All I remember of it is love and support. I felt like a queen who was carried on love..sounds melodramatic...but when you're in the throes of labor pains, love is like water to a dying person's lips..it is such a powerful experience only dramatic analogies like that begin to come close to describing the experience. Dh was just incredibly loving and supportive, I couldn't have gotten as far as I did without him and my doula. My doula Giselle Whitwell was amazing, she was like a mother, so compassionate. They were both with me every step of the way, through the 21 hours it took! Thank you both for giving me the best birth experience I could have wanted.



This morning when mama wished me a happy birth day I wished HER a happy birthday for pushing me out. To all mothers who make, carry and birth love.

Waiting for Dax

I had a very interesting morning. I videotaped a beautiful pregnant woman, Stephana. She is a friend of Andrea's who is on her way to having a home birth any day now, I suspect as early as tonight, she was already having contractions while I was there. Her first child was also born at home. Andrea will be photographing the home birth of their second son, Dax and I will have the absolute privelege of being present to videotape it. She is very passionate about natural child birth and the ability of every woman to bear a child naturally if she wishes. She wants to empower women to take charge of their own bodies and balance the culture of fear associated with birth today by documenting her own natural journey. Her inspiration comes from a beautiful video she shared with me when I got there. It was the documentation of an amazing and beautiful home birth of a midwife from Mexico. It was powerful and moving in its simplicity and naturalness.

going strong

Its day 5 and I'm still going strong..I'm excited. Today I jogged for 25 minutes! It wasn't that bad at all..I think the key is going every single day.

The element

"Is the place where passion and skill meet. People find the element when they engage in the thing that they love that they are especially good at doing." Ken Robinson

Is it okay to be 34 and not yet know what you are especially good at?

I woke up at 6 this morning and instead of trying to go back to sleep I got out of bed, put on some walking clothes and started walking. It was as simple as that. I usually make lists of things I need before I can embark upon a 'fitness program' blah blah blah, I'm an expert at stalling..anyway decided to walk out of suburbia to the main road, very exciting. There and back was 45 minutes at a brisk pace. I just HAVE to make this a part of my life. All the people I admire have been regular exercisers all their lives. It just HAS to be one more thing like brushing my teeth or sleeping at night. My body needs this. I'm too young to be having aches in my knees, shoulders and back. Ridiculous. Anyway here's my commitment in print..I will do this for 30 days. Wake up early and go for a walk of at least 45 minutes.

I came back home and talked to my mother on the phone. I asked her what she thought my talents or strengths were growing up. She said confidence. I loved to be up on stage in front of people and entertain them, I loved to tell stories. " You were very confident and fearless and also dayavan(compassionate)." Should I be a theater actor, a preacher or a God father?

In other news, I did buy myself the implements to get started on my dream board, I just need to get them out of the dickey/trunk of the car.

Interesting piece for habit change.

los pinguinos mambo

Loved Ms. t's macho penguins and wanted to add what Anika and i boogied to all afternoon=)

listen in

For the past week my inner voice repeated the word, 'unfulfilled' in my head. It didn't feel very good. What is missing? Thought, desire, dreams. Caught up in the everydayness of life makes me forget to think of the big picture of my life. Why do I feel unfulfilled? The first question I need to answer is 'What do I want?' By not defining my dreams, I perpetuate my state of vague disillusionment/disenchantment. I feel stuck in negative feelings without the time/energy to really examine what I need to make me feel fulfilled.

The truth is, its easier to be stuck in negativity than do the real work of trying to fix what feels broken. This morning I was feeling anxious, there was a sick feeling in my stomach like before a race. I was suddenly having flashes of what I want from my life, of what I could be if I would just get out of my own way and follow my dreams. Thoughts I have put on the back burner were coming back in an overwhelming flood. D heard me sighing and fretting and looked me straight in the eyes and said, " Don't be afraid of it, let it grow within you."

This is where I plan to start. Thanks Sara.

Downtownish

Dh worked on Sunday so Atta and I went on a jaunt. I went looking for the Hot sauce festival at Waterloo park but the hellish maze of one ways, a circus of animals, clowns and day before school students with trolleys full of stuff sent me ducking into the Blanton Museum parking lot for cover. Parking was free and the museum was air conditioned..it was around noon, what's a mama to do? It all worked out perfectly because Anika really enjoyed the 'moozeem'.

Here she is in a breathtaking installation by Brazilian artist, Cildo Meireles called, 'Mission: How to Build a Cathedral'.



The piece is a permanent feature in the museum and is well worth a visit to the museum in itself. It is hauntingly beautiful with the soft warm light bouncing off the shiny copper pennies, covered with a canopy of stark white bones. Visitors are welcome to enter the piece through black net curtains and play with the 600,000 pennies. Anika needed no instruction, she gravitated like a moth to the flame, we stayed within the exhibit for half an hour.

Car conversations

We are a one car household and we make a 20 minute drive to pick Papa up from work nearly everyday. Here is a sample conversation from the other day.

Anika: " Don't feel bad pity doll..."
Me: " Why is pretty doll sad?"
A: " Because stroller"
Me: " Does she miss her stroller"
A : " She wants to go to park in stroller"
Me: "Oh..but her stroller is in the back yard all wet in the rain, she can't sit in it now."

Long pause. A:" Pretty doll's bums get all wet."

Later.

A:" Mama, atta did fart, did you her it?"
me:" No I didn't."
A: " mama, pease do fart."
me:" ok!" Make fart sound with my mouth
A:" Ok now do loooooong fart." laughs loudly, very pleased with her self.

Later.

A:" Atta miss papa."
M:" I know baby we'll see papa soon, we're almost there."
A: "Papa papa aaja(come) now."
M;" Aww, baby do you love papa?"
A:"Hahn."
M:" How much do you love papa?"
A thinks for a little while;" Taller than mama!"

This post is mainly because of the countless conversations I have forgotten, I had to write some down.

New header

The gorgeous pic of Anika in the header was taken by Tanya. It captures the stage she's at so beautifully- always ready to go, obsessed with her school bag, with her boo hat and noo shoes on, about to give me a long talk about something. She is asking about school over and over again , we've been touring a few and she seems VERY ready. I must be boring her at home.