a blog to track my journey of external and internal transformation. I want to look and feel better inside and out. This blog will have thoughts on personal fitness, beauty and fashion for the outer body and meditation, motivation, self discipline and creative expression for my internal transformation.
It's 4 in the morning and I am sleepless. It has been over a year since I blogged, the newest addition to our family has gone unmentioned. Bechaara, he is adorable. It takes a while getting accustomed to having more than one child..I'm more domesticated than I could ever have imagined,sigh. But there are pockets of high energy and gratitude when I can step of the fast moving daily schedule and just breathe. Our family feels complete with our little funny man, he makes us laugh. Arjun beta, you are a joy with your roaring, uh-ohs, superfast walking and giggling at the drop of a hat. The comment most often made about you in public is, "He is such a happy boy." He IS a delightful little person with a big personality. We're finally used to being four, we are more efficient at meeting everyone's needs, including mine this time around..Somewhere in my brain it became apparent that a little self care is essential for my sanity and all those around me! Just a little bit of time for myself goes a long way.
is how I feel. Today when I went to drop Anika off at Terra Luz, her pre-school, the most incredible music was playing, some Devi chants. Anika ran to the backyard to join her friends doing yoga and I just looked around at the amazing space Andrea has created for our children and it filled me up with emotion. Over the fire place is a large print of the backs of three children in b&w, the child in the middle has her arms around her two friends on either side of her..it is so beautiful, I guess seeing it would be more effective...or rather seeing it with my eyes today. I stepped out and watched them doing yoga for a little while and seeing Anika so happy and excited really made my day.
I was so moved by my child's happiness, the music and the positive environment in Terra Luz that I wept the entire way to my doctor's appointment. My heart was open..I suddenly realized the immense blessing of my life. Of the people that surround me and love me. The blessing of becoming a mother again, the love of my dear husband, my daughter, my friends and my dear parents who are travelling all the way from India to be with me when the baby comes, despite their age.
While I was driving I was overcome with the realization of the life I'm carrying. Within me lies my son, my husband's son, my daughter's brother, our parents' grand child, my sisters' nephew...someone's friend, someone's love and someday someone's father.
Look out for a long post soon(flexible), if you're still looking..So much has been going on, now is a bad time to be lazy. Honestly the blog is the only neglected thing right now, I am nesting with a vengeance. I even cleaned the handles of the kitchen drawers today. If you knew my sloppy nature, you would truly appreciate the craziness of that. HA!
Parting shot of the doll who is three years old now taken by the fabulous Tanya
I went to the mall today to pick out maternity jeans. After shopping I devoured a very healthy chick-fil-a burger with fries. I did skip the soda and drink a bottle of water instead. I was sitting there and people watching, my favorite pass time. Across from me was a mom and her 8 year son, I watched her as she absently stroked his hair while he ate his pizza and said, "I missed you so much baby." He continued eating unaffected, secure in his mother's love. I had tears in my eyes. Then there was a mother with four daughters one of the older ones was carrying the youngest one on her hip, tears again.
It amazes me that I could just sit there and eat my burger with tears in my eyes and not feel at all weird about it, I relish the heightened emotions. While my out of control emotions can swing easily towards moodiness and melancholy, the other side of that pendulum is pure love. Its true what Anika's 'Baby on the Way' book says, "When your mama is pregnant love is growing inside her belly.."
I'm getting big and tired in this heat. I try to remind myself I will not look like a blimp forever but I hate looking in the mirror. I ate too many beans today, I will not elaborate the consequence of that. Compared with the amount of obsessing a first pregnancy gets the second one goes on pretty much unnoticed in the background of life. I haven't bought a single thing for the baby, sleeping arrangements are still in flux. Some progress has been made on closets etc, but not enough real work as been done and I'm not worried either. We were so busy before Anika, I can't imagine what the hell we were doing?
We've been thinking of names, lists are made and revised. perfect names on one day quickly fade into oblivion the next. We asked Anika what she wanted to call her baby brother, she said without hesitation,"Darling baby".
On the weekend Dh was reading Anika a new book we got her called, 'Baby whales drink milk', she listened attentively and then thought a while before she said," Papa, mama is my first love." Sigh sigh sigh.
Now that I have enough work to get done, I turn towards my poor neglected blog with renewed zest. Old habits die hard, throughout my student years when exams were around the corner I would do a DEEP cleaning of my room for days. I'd make detailed time tables and schedules of what I would study when and then discuss them with my study partner..another accomplished study shirker like myself. We would 'study' all night long and sleep during the day claiming the lack of distraction was good for us. We were very punctual about our 'update conversations' which happened after every two hour session of 'studying'. I did this, this and this what did you do? You fell asleep?? OMG okay let me teach you all I know. The phone conversation would go on for an hour..but the next break was never pushed out. I'm amazed I passed ANY exam in my life.
Anyway, I don't have any exams coming up but there is another baby coming in a few months! I was in complete denial for the first 14 weeks or so. I felt soo crappy I would tell myself everyday, this is not really happening. Tomorrow I will stop throwing up, weeping and snapping at the world and look for a job like I planned to do when Anika goes to school. But alas by week three of Anika's preschool I was in the throes of first trimester mayhem. Yuck. First trimesters are no fun. Anyway its behind me now, I have my energy back but I am in no mood to do all the stuff that has piled up on my plate. I have to edit two videos for friends, one for a non profit in CA, organize all the closets in the house, create a better play area for Anika, frame a bunch of stuff..and on and on. So finally I've found the time to do something that is not on my list, BLOG! I predict I'm going to be very regular around here for sometime.
A: "Mama can I have tummus?" Me: "Are you hungry? Do you mean hummus?" A rolls eyes and says emphatically, " NO! Tummus with the sky." Me: "Ya sure baby the sky ah- huh", shift attention to Nadal and Federer A exasperated: " No! I want to tummus with a hammer and a ball in the sky!" Me after a few moments of complete cluelessness: "Oh!! Tennis? You want to play TENNIS with a hammer(raquet) and a ball like those boys on TV? A relieved: "Yes mama, now you understand me.." Me wondering why sky? Ah, the hard court in Melbourne is blue. Got to love those firing neurons.