I'm confused, sad and tired of my buzzing head.
Its been nearly 3 weeks since Anika started going to a montessori program close to home. Its an everyday program for four hours per day. So far she has stayed for the whole time only a couple days, four hours is too long. I've had her in school for 2 hours per day until she gets used to it...
I'm getting mixed signals, some days she comes home singing songs, role playing with her imaginary classmates in the back seat, "Close your eyes Jocelyn until I call your name." She'll say random words like "North America' or "don't forget Antarctica" out of the blue at the grocery store. But every morning she seems SO sad to leave us, she cries every time. They say she stops crying sooner now, within a few minutes. This whole week I have taken to rewarding her with fruit snacks, pretty much like gummie bears after she finishes school. This started because she just refused to get ready for school on Tuesday after a 3 day weekend.
Why is she SO sad? I know its separation anxiety but how do I know its only that? How do I know if this is the right thing for her? Montessori is all about individual child development, independence and exploration. She seems to love the work, she asks me to set up practical life 'work' for her at home. She cleans up after herself, which she never did before and helps me and says, "what a good helper I am".
BUT, is she happy? Doesn't she need more freedom, more paints, more laughing, more talking with her friends, more hugs? Instead of "we don't interrupt our friends when they are working" or "we put our hand up when we have a question." She's a good, sweet child, who has always been self sufficient and caring does she really need to be told the proper way to be 'in the community' at this age? Is the Montessori method nurturing enough for a child this young? Especially Anika who is so attached and still sleeps with me?
Is there something cold about the method or is there something wrong with me? I want her to love her teacher so she doesn't feel 'bereft' when she is away from me but I don't know if that's in keeping with the montessori goal of making a child 'independent'. Am I being foolish by expecting a teacher to be a surrogate mother?
I just want her to be happy.
We've told ourselves we'll give it a month..but if she does adjust will she be adjusting happily or will her spirit be broken?
If any of you have read thus far, thanks for your patience. If you have any words of advice please leave them for this stressed out mama.
9 comments:
I have so much advice on this topic that it is too much to write. Call me when you are to talking about it : )
I don't know how strict your Montessori is. Amie's Montessori school is very laid back, and the teachers are extremely personable, to children and parents alike (some Montessori teachers seem to think the parents are the ennemy, but they're fantastic with the children!).
But Amie's teachers won't act like surrogate mothers, and probably shouldn't. The daycare assistant who did this for Amie was a total newbie, and with Amie learned her lesson that it is not a good idea.
I would ask the teachers explicitly what special things they do to accommodate your Anika in her first weeks. Do they hug? Give her extra time? It will make you feel better not to second guess. Oftentimes our doubts about daycare/school are half about the child, half about the teachers: are they cold to her? Are they at all understanding? Ask for specific things that will give you a better perspective.
Do they have an observation window through which you could be a fly on their wall? Maybe seeing how much fun Anika has after those few minutes of crying, will make you feel very differently.
And when they say she stops crying after a few minutes, they tell the truth. It really is something to consider as a good sign. With Amie it took over an hour of crying, for over a month (she was younger though), until her Baba started dropping her off. Then, abruptly, no more crying!
It was simply easier for Amie to say goodbye to me in her home environment. Also, I believe that her crying when I left her had become something like a habit, not really something fresh from the heart each morning - though it definitely looked like it!
Could her dad drop her off? Experiment with that (but don't make changes to the schedule too often or too abruptly). Experiment with different places where you say goodbye: could a teacher come and get her from the car? (I know a child who appreciated that). Or could another parent pick her up from your home in the morning?
It's hard. I also had this broken spirit belief, but in the end I think I was wrong. It's up to you, of course, you know her best!
That song about "North America... Don't forget Antartica!" I know it so well!
I, like Bonnie, have much to say and I'd love to talk with you. Let's meet while the girls are at school for a chat and a good long hug.
p.s. Thank you for stopping me from spinning last Saturday. You and your hug is exactly what I needed. I've missed you more than I can say.
Hi Anja,
so good to be in contact again after so many months!
About why Montessori... I can only answer for Amie: we knew she has that kind of mind. Even at 16 months she was arranging her art works and play just so. She is very organized in her mind, methodical, and calm and observing.
She was and is also very fiercely into imaginative play, so much so she still complains that her school has only the one kitty doll to play with. "I miss dolls at school". But she goes for only 3 hours, and she has the rest of the day to make up for it, with creative things as well. I consider crafting and free play my "homeschooling job" ;)
DH is a Montessori alumnus and if Amie gets from her preschool what he seems to have gotten from his (an early basis for a methodical, unrelenting curious and independent mind), I'll be wowed all over again.
That said, I like Reggio and especially Waldorf too, but there are none in our neighborhood. We saw a couple of "traditional" preschools and always walked out with headaches: the noise, the colors all over the walls. No rest. The kids seemed on steroids. Impoliteness was tolerated...
It depends on the child. Amie thrives at her school, and her teachers say she is the "ideal Montessori child". Not all children are, but for them I don't think the Montessori method does any damage.
Do you ever think of homeschooling?
Oh Anj, I'm sorry this is a struggle. I'm happy to talk to you too, let me know if you need me. You are a wise wise mama bear and will figure it out.
No matter how well adjusted or how long they have been attending a school even the most independent children will have periods of seperation anxiety. Cman is no exception. Even today he told me this morning he didnt want to go and refused to get ready but then I drop him and he was off to see the animals.
That being said only you know Anika's personality and if this school is a good fit for her.
Go with your gut, Mama knows best!
Thank you all my lovely mama friends for reading and empathizing. I think time will make things better and having specific conversations with her teacher will help. I do try to watch her unobserved but have gotten badly caught twice. The teacher needs to put up a paper or something so I can look in without being spotted. DH who is also a very sensitive parent has been agonizing with me too but yesterday he said, there is no harm if she makes a distinction between work and home, she knows she is unconditionally loved at home and we can provide her love, imaginative play, art and 'projects at home' as usual. They have Spanish in school and are soon starting yoga and music together classes, within the curriculum..we'll see how she adapts...
Anyway, thank you all for your kind words. This too shall pass, right?
Hi Anja
I would just say don't afraid about montessori education. In fact, Montessori is the place where child learns to live alone and know the world around them. Montessori is the best place where abilities are improved and sharpen their mind. Go to montessori for detail.
i'm going to email you on this Anja. I hear you.
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