Re-covering

It's 4 in the morning and I am sleepless. It has been over a year since I blogged, the newest addition to our family has gone unmentioned. Bechaara(poor little one), he is adorable. It takes a while getting accustomed to having more than one child..I'm more domesticated than I could ever have imagined,sigh. But there are pockets of high energy and gratitude when I can step off the fast moving daily schedule and just breathe. Our family feels complete with our little funny man, he makes us laugh. Arjun beta, you are a joy with your roaring, uh-ohs, superfast walking and giggling at the drop of a hat. The comment most often made about you in public is, "He is such a happy boy." He IS a delightful little person with a big personality. We're finally used to being four, we are more efficient at meeting everyone's needs, including mine this time around..Somewhere in my brain it became apparent that a little self care is essential for my sanity and all those around me! Just a little bit of time for myself goes a long way.

blessed

is how I feel. Today when I went to drop Anika off at Terra Luz, her pre-school, the most incredible music was playing, some Devi chants. Anika ran to the backyard to join her friends doing yoga and I just looked around at the amazing space Andrea has created for our children and it filled me up with emotion. Over the fire place is a large print of the backs of three children in b&w, the child in the middle has her arms around her two friends on either side of her..it is so beautiful, I guess seeing it would be more effective...or rather seeing it with my eyes today. I stepped out and watched them doing yoga for a little while and seeing Anika so happy and excited really made my day.

I was so moved by my child's happiness, the music and the positive environment in Terra Luz that I wept the entire way to my doctor's appointment. My heart was open..I suddenly realized the immense blessing of my life. Of the people that surround me and love me. The blessing of becoming a mother again, the love of my dear husband, my daughter, my friends and my dear parents who are travelling all the way from India to be with me when the baby comes, despite their age.

While I was driving I was overcome with the realization of the life I'm carrying. Within me lies my son, my husband's son, my daughter's brother, our parents' grand child, my sisters' nephew...someone's friend, someone's love and someday someone's father.

Life is incredible, I am truly blessed.

yikes

Its been crazy long since I posted, again..

Look out for a long post soon(flexible), if you're still looking..So much has been going on, now is a bad time to be lazy. Honestly the blog is the only neglected thing right now, I am nesting with a vengeance. I even cleaned the handles of the kitchen drawers today. If you knew my sloppy nature, you would truly appreciate the craziness of that. HA!

Parting shot of the doll who is three years old now taken by the fabulous Tanya

perks of pregnancy

I went to the mall today to pick out maternity jeans. After shopping I devoured a very healthy chick-fil-a burger with fries. I did skip the soda and drink a bottle of water instead. I was sitting there and people watching, my favorite pass time. Across from me was a mom and her 8 year son, I watched her as she absently stroked his hair while he ate his pizza and said, "I missed you so much baby." He continued eating unaffected, secure in his mother's love. I had tears in my eyes. Then there was a mother with four daughters one of the older ones was carrying the youngest one on her hip, tears again.

It amazes me that I could just sit there and eat my burger with tears in my eyes and not feel at all weird about it, I relish the heightened emotions. While my out of control emotions can swing easily towards moodiness and melancholy, the other side of that pendulum is pure love. Its true what Anika's 'Baby on the Way' book says, "When your mama is pregnant love is growing inside her belly.."

time marches on

I'm getting big and tired in this heat. I try to remind myself I will not look like a blimp forever but I hate looking in the mirror. I ate too many beans today, I will not elaborate the consequence of that. Compared with the amount of obsessing a first pregnancy gets the second one goes on pretty much unnoticed in the background of life. I haven't bought a single thing for the baby, sleeping arrangements are still in flux. Some progress has been made on closets etc, but not enough real work as been done and I'm not worried either. We were so busy before Anika, I can't imagine what the hell we were doing?

We've been thinking of names, lists are made and revised. perfect names on one day quickly fade into oblivion the next. We asked Anika what she wanted to call her baby brother, she said without hesitation,"Darling baby".

On the weekend Dh was reading Anika a new book we got her called, 'Baby whales drink milk', she listened attentively and then thought a while before she said," Papa, mama is my first love." Sigh sigh sigh.

queen of procrastination

Now that I have enough work to get done, I turn towards my poor neglected blog with renewed zest. Old habits die hard, throughout my student years when exams were around the corner I would do a DEEP cleaning of my room for days. I'd make detailed time tables and schedules of what I would study when and then discuss them with my study partner..another accomplished study shirker like myself. We would 'study' all night long and sleep during the day claiming the lack of distraction was good for us. We were very punctual about our 'update conversations' which happened after every two hour session of 'studying'. I did this, this and this what did you do? You fell asleep?? OMG okay let me teach you all I know. The phone conversation would go on for an hour..but the next break was never pushed out. I'm amazed I passed ANY exam in my life.

Anyway, I don't have any exams coming up but there is another baby coming in a few months! I was in complete denial for the first 14 weeks or so. I felt soo crappy I would tell myself everyday, this is not really happening. Tomorrow I will stop throwing up, weeping and snapping at the world and look for a job like I planned to do when Anika goes to school. But alas by week three of Anika's preschool I was in the throes of first trimester mayhem. Yuck. First trimesters are no fun. Anyway its behind me now, I have my energy back but I am in no mood to do all the stuff that has piled up on my plate. I have to edit two videos for friends, one for a non profit in CA, organize all the closets in the house, create a better play area for Anika, frame a bunch of stuff..and on and on. So finally I've found the time to do something that is not on my list, BLOG! I predict I'm going to be very regular around here for sometime.

australian open with anika

A: "Mama can I have tummus?"
Me: "Are you hungry? Do you mean hummus?"
A rolls eyes and says emphatically, " NO! Tummus with the sky."
Me: "Ya sure baby the sky ah- huh", shift attention to Nadal and Federer
A exasperated: " No! I want to tummus with a hammer and a ball in the sky!"
Me after a few moments of complete cluelessness: "Oh!! Tennis? You want to play TENNIS with a hammer(raquet) and a ball like those boys on TV?
A relieved: "Yes mama, now you understand me.."
Me wondering why sky? Ah, the hard court in Melbourne is blue. Got to love those firing neurons.

to montessori or not to?

I'm confused, sad and tired of my buzzing head.

Its been nearly 3 weeks since Anika started going to a montessori program close to home. Its an everyday program for four hours per day. So far she has stayed for the whole time only a couple days, four hours is too long. I've had her in school for 2 hours per day until she gets used to it...

I'm getting mixed signals, some days she comes home singing songs, role playing with her imaginary classmates in the back seat, "Close your eyes Jocelyn until I call your name." She'll say random words like "North America' or "don't forget Antarctica" out of the blue at the grocery store. But every morning she seems SO sad to leave us, she cries every time. They say she stops crying sooner now, within a few minutes. This whole week I have taken to rewarding her with fruit snacks, pretty much like gummie bears after she finishes school. This started because she just refused to get ready for school on Tuesday after a 3 day weekend.

Why is she SO sad? I know its separation anxiety but how do I know its only that? How do I know if this is the right thing for her? Montessori is all about individual child development, independence and exploration. She seems to love the work, she asks me to set up practical life 'work' for her at home. She cleans up after herself, which she never did before and helps me and says, "what a good helper I am".

BUT, is she happy? Doesn't she need more freedom, more paints, more laughing, more talking with her friends, more hugs? Instead of "we don't interrupt our friends when they are working" or "we put our hand up when we have a question." She's a good, sweet child, who has always been self sufficient and caring does she really need to be told the proper way to be 'in the community' at this age? Is the Montessori method nurturing enough for a child this young? Especially Anika who is so attached and still sleeps with me?

Is there something cold about the method or is there something wrong with me? I want her to love her teacher so she doesn't feel 'bereft' when she is away from me but I don't know if that's in keeping with the montessori goal of making a child 'independent'. Am I being foolish by expecting a teacher to be a surrogate mother?

I just want her to be happy.

We've told ourselves we'll give it a month..but if she does adjust will she be adjusting happily or will her spirit be broken?

If any of you have read thus far, thanks for your patience. If you have any words of advice please leave them for this stressed out mama.

a new era

Her lunch box



her back pack



her uniform



my loneliness..poor tiger mama has to bear the brunt of my affection during school



Raising children is the most heart wrenching thing in the world...my baby is growing up too quickly..

foot girl

I have avoided American football for the past 8 years, turning away from any tv that shows it, even though its such an integral part of life here, like cricket is in India. But football makes no sense to me and its very rough, watching grown men pinning each other down in heaps makes me uncomfortable. I grew up calling 'soccer' football, so its always been just a little bit weird for me to make the transition..the whole petrol pump, dickey thing, ya know it.

But you can't live in TX and be unexposed to football for long...so last night I took Anika for a high school football game to watch Andrea's son Dominic play in the band.





I was amazed to see the pretty sizable stadium and the huge number of people there were for a 'high school' game. Football is obviously very well funded in this state. Anika looked around wide eyed at the bright lights and the crowds and slowly took it all in. She clapped and screamed with the crowd whenever she had a chance. The band played and she jumped to the beat in my lap and tried to spot Domi's back from the other 200 kids there. Before half time one of the kids was injured and had to be carried out on a stretcher...

It was a great experience except for the hurt child..

We decided to leave early to avoid the crowds. I had her in the carrier on the way to the car. Here's our conversation:

A: Mama Anika baby had fun in stadium
Me: That's great beta, i'm glad we came then
A: Ya. But sumdy(somebody) got hurt
M: Yes, he'll be fine though, don't worry
A: Will they take him to doctor?
M: Yes
A: Will his mama papa be there?
M: Yes they will, they'll take good care of him
A: Give him kichoos and warmee warmee milk
M: Yes..are you tired beta?
A: No but when I grow big and strong I play foot girl too

Raising the bar

I wrote this the morning after the election, blogger wouldn't load sooner to publish..



Last night I had tears streaming down my face when I saw the spontaneous celebration of people of every color all over the country and the world when Obama was elected President. I was very very sceptical prior to the big day, I envisioned recounts and malfunctioning machines..but last night went way beyond my wildest dreams...it was incredible. I now believe that anything is possible in this country. I moved here when GWB came into power, right before 9/11. The last 8 years have been so tough in so many ways..I really wanted a change for this country. And man what an inspiring change its been.

I wept when McCain spoke..I was floored, he spoke from the heart and so graciously congratulated his opponent..For me coming from India seeing this maturity and humility in politics was awe aspiring. Speaking as 'himself', he made a real connection with me for the first time.

Then of course when Obama spoke...I wept again. Its obvious that he is a brilliant man who knows how to give a moving speech...but again it was his humility and manner that really got me. He didn't come out there and gloat, he didn't talk about himself..he spoke about the movement, he spoke about the road ahead, he spoke about the disappointment of the 48 million who didn't vote for him, it was like he carried their burden and wanted to win them over.

The part of his speech that really resonated with me was:

'And to all those who have wondered if Americas beacon still burns as bright - tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from our the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity, and unyielding hope.'

Last night I was proud to call America my home. There maybe many things wrong with America but the manner in which the people of this country can look at themselves and make a change for the better is amazing to me. There are so many injustices in India, that are left at the status quo because it is not in the interest of people in power to solve them. India still has very feudal, intolerant ways that are not truly examined with the aim of finding an enduring and fair solution. Even if laws are passed they are easily flouted and ignored...I could go on and on...

Last night showed what a democracy can be like when it really works.

Obama comes to power at a very difficult time with the economy in shambles, two ongoing wars, millions of unemployed people with talk of further massive lay offs looming..Times will be tough but I have faith. I was so cynical and jaded with GW that I had switched off but Obama has given me hope again that things can be different and fair. Its not about his color its about his ideals and his intelligence, he has truly raised the bar of presidency.

Change please...

I can't stand the waiting..please voters and universe let it happen.

fall yummies

Anika and Papa made a delicious treat I saw here . Thank you fabulous internet mama.



It is seriously good and very easy..they put it together while I made dinner. DH loves it so much he's been taking lunch to work everyday just to pack it as dessert. On the first day when it was done I said this is going to be a major set back for my fitness plans so he very supportively said why not give some away to friends then?

He came back home the first day and tried to ask casually, "So did you give any pumpkin bread away yet?"

Its still in the fridge. I try not to eat more than one piece a day;)

how they've grown

This is Anika and her bff Nikhil, this is how they looked a year ago.

First they were asked to sit next to each other



then I said put your arms around each other



Nikhil's mom says, put your arm around her, Anika first pushes him away



and then looks down coyly!



Walking off into the sunset

confession

I ran for 22 consecutive days. I felt good about myself every single time. I never thought, I wish I hadn't done that.

I haven't been for my run for the past five days...there were valid reasons for three of those five days, but the other two I was lazy. And each day I slipped up it became easier to not go. This just goes to show...I cannot miss a SINGLE day if I want to make exercise a habit. Failure is a part of the process of change. Instead of dwelling too much on the failure I have decided I'm going to reset my resolve. This guy always helps.

I will be going tomorrow morning for sure and every other day after that unless I am ill. I need to just get back on the band wagon as quick as I can so whatever little conditioning I have created is not lost.

The reason I am blogging about this is accountability. Not that any of my readers is going to cross examine me, but just putting it out here will help.

This is about the REST of my life, like brushing my teeth...remember?

about the house

The animal cookie cutter set I bought for $8.99 was the best investment I ever made. Anika ate a seal and a bird full of cheese today=)







Yes he's wearing a diaper






That's Anika



And that's Papa(her idea). This is a bag I got a bottle of wine in from my sweet friend Leahann



Milk carton bus with badly constructed wheels

dandia in the park

First came the dolling up, our favorite part





Then came the pooja, there she is in the front row



Party! Dandia style=)



This impromptu dandia party took place in our park last night. We potlucked, arranged some music and tried not to knock each other's heads off! Fun all around=)

birthday

Dax came on the 29th of September. Stephana went into labor at 2:00 pm and her husband called us at 2:30. Andrea got there at 3:30 and I got there 15 minutes later with a knot in my stomach anticipating intense birthing. As I walked in I saw Andrea and Kelly speaking in hushed tones. Andrea said, she just had the baby. WHAT? WTF? She had the baby at 3:20 so even Andrea missed it! Can you believe that? There were two video cameras in the house, plus mine on the way, tripods, tapes , DSLRs, the works and not even one was turned on for the actual birth...Dax maxed all expectations..out in an hour! Wow.

I did shoot a little of the 'after' stuff. Stephana was laying there like a Goddess with the baby on her breast. She looked so beautiful and natural. I was quite literally in awe of her power and beauty. What struck me was her absolute attention on her new born with no regard to her own condition. Its amazing how every child gives birth to a mother.


I don't think I have the strength of spirit or body confidence it takes to have a child at home...I need the backup of a hospital and pain medication just incase. Having said that, midwives are very well equipped to handle birth emergencies and always know when to take a mother to a hospital if complications that require intervention arise...yet to me it is a leap of faith in SELF. Could I do it without flipping out? There was a point in Anika's birth where I definitely felt I couldn't do it any more, I wanted deliverance from 'suffering' so to speak. I guess its like everything I do, I need a back door to escape..it takes a different sort of strength to say, I will do this no matter what.

Being there made me think back to my birth experience. All I remember of it is love and support. I felt like a queen who was carried on love..sounds melodramatic...but when you're in the throes of labor pains, love is like water to a dying person's lips..it is such a powerful experience only dramatic analogies like that begin to come close to describing the experience. Dh was just incredibly loving and supportive, I couldn't have gotten as far as I did without him and my doula. My doula Giselle Whitwell was amazing, she was like a mother, so compassionate. They were both with me every step of the way, through the 21 hours it took! Thank you both for giving me the best birth experience I could have wanted.



This morning when mama wished me a happy birth day I wished HER a happy birthday for pushing me out. To all mothers who make, carry and birth love.

Waiting for Dax

I had a very interesting morning. I videotaped a beautiful pregnant woman, Stephana. She is a friend of Andrea's who is on her way to having a home birth any day now, I suspect as early as tonight, she was already having contractions while I was there. Her first child was also born at home. Andrea will be photographing the home birth of their second son, Dax and I will have the absolute privelege of being present to videotape it. She is very passionate about natural child birth and the ability of every woman to bear a child naturally if she wishes. She wants to empower women to take charge of their own bodies and balance the culture of fear associated with birth today by documenting her own natural journey. Her inspiration comes from a beautiful video she shared with me when I got there. It was the documentation of an amazing and beautiful home birth of a midwife from Mexico. It was powerful and moving in its simplicity and naturalness.

going strong

Its day 5 and I'm still going strong..I'm excited. Today I jogged for 25 minutes! It wasn't that bad at all..I think the key is going every single day.